My Breakfast Club

University was a word I had anxiety about my entire life. To avoid it would be outstanding, to enjoy would be a roller-coaster.

When that letter of acceptance comes through your mailbox you feel this sigh of relief; you made it, you're above the rest, you'll conquer the World. Well, no-one told me it would be a journey like no other with hiccups that resemble creatures from the Lost Lagoon. Highs and lows so profound, Jack Nicholson is easily taken to task for his role in 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'.

You leave 'what was your life' in a storage locker called 'the family home'. You also take a buddy with you so you're not left 'totally' alone to face an alternate Universe/University. You observe at first before sharing anything that will label you for the remainder of your school year. You tread gently in a land full of hormones and expectations.

My room, ROOM 209, was in a dorm full of men from various places across Canada. Introductions are made and you file away 'thoughts' of who will be avoided and who will be your study partner. One young man, at the end of the hall was on my 'hit list' of AVOIDEES. He was scruffy. Not only was he scruffy, he played loud daunting music and was always lying on his thin mattress with his foot bobbing back and forth to 'downer music'. I assumed he was going to be the drop-out, the drug dealer or the pimp. I suddenly had visions of 'The Breakfast Club' with me, unjustly accused, sitting next to him while he tapped his switch-blade against his worn jeans.

In that moment had God jumped out and told me 'this will be your new best friend', I would have jumped from the second floor into the manicured hedge.

I looked at my enclosed rabbit hutch for the school year: one desk, one prisoner-of-school bed, one worn stand-up closet with graffiti chiseled into the wood and one metal chair. Lockdown in Room 209.

After hanging up my pleated pants, my cuffed shirts and folding my Eddie Bauer Boxers into a warped drawer, I checked out the oval grounds. I would find my escape places in the maze called 'University'. The one room where I could escape was the piano room. Yes, the black and white keys would be my place to pound away when the drugs were unleashed and the booze began to flow...and this only took 24 hours.

Party, party a lot, party day and night, party until your head is literally fused with the toilet seat. That was the condition my condition was in. On one of these 'party nights', the man I deemed to be my 'study buddy' knocked on my door. It was Eric. Eric with the goofy face and big glasses. He was my big lug side-kick who would spare me hallucinations and fist fights. When I opened the door his glasses were gone and his eyes were red. He pawed my shoulder and demanded 'I COME TO THE PARTY AND GET SMASHED.' Being a polite and gentle soul, I simply said, "thanks Eric but, I do have an essay due for tomorrow". With that amazing cop-out the last thing I expected was Eric's huge hand slapping my face as he muttered, "you gotta have a party man!" And, he was gone.

Yes, the juices were flowing, the spittle from his beer-guzzlin' mouth hit me square in the cheek. Okay, I'd find another study-buddy and put some ice on my face; there was a tub full of ice in the common bathroom where the beer was being chilled, the 200 bottles of beer. Then I heard a voice as my door was being shut. "He didn't mean to do that." Probably God, again, telling me what an 'adventure' this was going to be. Perhaps Eric's slap-of-the-night had jarred a personality I hadn't met? But, it wasn't God, it was a hidden personality, it was THAT GUY AT THE END OF THE HALL...yup, the ONE, the one I had promised to side-step. His door was open, his Bhudda pose on his mattress was dressed in a black t-shirt, probably those same jeans, afro hair gone wild and a single pearl ear-ring telling me he was dangerous for my education. But, he invited me to come to his lair. Yes, it was time to meet 'Magic Mushroom Man'. Lamb to the slaughter.

I tried everything to escape the terror at the end of the hall. My excuses were lame and he knew it. I would be a drug addict by midnight, listening to acid rock and getting a tattoo somewhere on my student body. He would be my undoing. I knew I should have gone to Church.
I would become his puppet...he would be 'the dark PUPPETMASTER'.

I stood at the end of Bhudda's bed. His hands were clasped over his ratty t-shirt. The man had a hole in every piece of cloth on his body not to mention that one in his ear. He tapped the side of the bed and TOLD me to sit. His grin was pretty menacing..kind of Cheshire Cat I'd say, but more feral. I don't think I spoke which was unlike me because I had this great attribute of never shutting up in a crowd. The silence was deadly, for me, for him...not so much. I think he was embracing my terror. Yes, he was embracing my terror which hit a real high when he calmly said, "SHUT THE DOOR SO THE FACE SLAPPER STAYS OUT." Caged. Trapped. Mercy Kill.

He introduced himself while I let my eyes wander to his collection of books. Likely slasher novels or 'alternate ways to party'..but, no, I was wrong. Oh, I was wrong about many things. Standing tall were the best authors of days gone by, books of poetry, classics. He, Misha as I would come to call him, was more complex than any part of my life. He was someone you were lucky to listen to. Weaving stories of his life, he became my best friend who would hide from his followers in Room 209

or escape with me in my Volkswagon Beetle to the ocean where we'd talk about going to Australia or what our families would be like.

I found myself in that piano room too often throughout that year in Room 209. Misha was a man, like all of us, fighting his demons. I had demons of my own and in a world called DORM LIFE, demons rise from a filtering system smothered with booze and drugs, sex and lies. But, there were moments of greatness. Your 'Breakfast Club' of two becomes your outlet to a safer place. It's an elite Club where you can escape the loud music, the blurs and slurs of room-mates, the Von Trapp born-again Christians and the constant pressure of 'making it'.

I never went back. My holy friend moved away and took my dream of family while I stuck out my thumb and hitch-hiked through Australia

to face my demons, but not with my friend. He was at another University changing lives and rising above those books I saw on his shelf the first day we spoke.

We all have turning points in our lives. One of mine was in Room 209 and shared with a stranger I had judged as my biggest nightmare but, at the end of the day, he was 'My Breakfast Club'.

She Is My Hero

Another early morning watching my sister getting prepared for her 7th treatment of ECT...another morning of holding hands

.

Susan was crying the day before. We had a wonderful day. She walked in the sunshine with me, we talked about simple things and just listened to seagulls cry out. It was good, it was so normal. Then, when I took her back to the Psych Ward, tears quietly tumbled down her face. She held my hands and with some shame, she said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't cry. I know I have to do this. You don't have to stay."

What does a brother do? I was so proud of how brave she was being. This would be her 7th treatment and she still thinks of others. She, Susan, is always thinking of others when she's falling into her dark place. I continue to breathe in and smile because she needs to know we are ALL TAKING THIS JOURNEY WITH HER.

When I look at her I see this child I grew up with. Susan was my twin through life. We shared everything, we experienced most things together and we had adventures. I was told, by my parents, that Susan was 'retarded'. I was only 6 years old and alone in my bedroom when they came in with serious faces to enlighten a 6 year old.

At the time, I was selfish. A selfish boy who loved to terrorize his sisters and play silly games. But now, I was told to be 'bigger than this'. I was told to protect her, to make sure other children did not hurt her, to walk to school with her and to be 'gentle' with her. I was not impressed, I was confused.

Why? Why do I have to be a different brother? Why do I have to be riduculed for walking my sister to school and be brave to ward off mean children. It was like a life sentence. I felt such anger for my sister. She had unraveled our relationship in one day. I promised to follow the rules but, still, I was angry.

Now, looking into her eyes , her lost eyes, I just want her to be that girl who walked the shores of the beach and helped me put strings on beach logs and turn them into horses. We started a ranch on the beach using old logs. We named each log, each 'wooden horse' and drew faces on them. We rode them and said goodbye before heading back to our log cabin for dinner. She was someone who lived in my adventures.

I stood by the metal table as she crushed my hand to make sure I would stay with her through her 7th treatment. "Don't leave okay?"... I would never leave her. As children I did leave her, many times. I left her in the ugly world called the school-yard where children did not take pity on other children with handicaps. I did not defend her when she was blamed for the things she did not do. I was being a brother who wanted to stop having to 'be her hero at six or seven years old'. I was angry that she was 'special' and I was not.

The treatment began. She was braver with each treatment. Now, she would lie still while they stuck needles into her and wrapped headbands on her with suckers and goo. She just 'held my hand' and asked me to wait for her. She is so brave. She is my hero.

AS I wait on the hard chairs in an empty hall, I think of our time together as siblings. Susan was always so kind. She followed my lead and would do anything I asked. She just wanted to please people, to please her brother. We shared pets, so many pets. Susan would buy me rabbits, hamsters and budgies with her allowance. Sometimes I took advantage..well, often I did. I told her there was a special time called 'pre-birthday' and 'pre-Christmas' presents. Susan would come home with rabbits and goldfish from local pet stores. They were for me, "pre-birthday present!" she would say. I felt badly but, I continued to be 'that' kind of brother because it was so easy.

Now, I look down at her with an oxygen mask over her face, a needle taped to her arm and 3 medical personale hovering over her while she sucks up her mental health, while she sucks up her unfair hand that was dealt to her and finally, she sucks up whatever fate comes out of this

.

Susan has taught me how to be a better person. She has fought many battles in her life. She has conquered the mean children, the labels, the medical challenges, the impatient relatives and now, she has conquered me. She has made me so humble over the years. We, all of us, can learn so much from the 'Susans' of the world. Her simplicity and kindness were trampled throughout life and now, she depends on US to lift her up, to save her from all of the things 'she never asked for in life'.

Yes, Susan is my hero. Who else?

The QUIET ROOM

We continued our quest, as a family, to visit my sister, Susan and hope the drugs, shocks and T.L.C. would come together to raise her up into a better world. Sadly, her stay on the Psych Ward took a blistering turn for the worst.

The first ECT treatment was to happen on a Wednesday. No water, no medications, no food. Empty vessel for a procedure many thought had died with the dark ages. Susan had, once again, fooled those around her by getting past the nurse's desk at 3:00 am, meet her cravings at the communal refridgerator only to drink a small carton of milk. Sadly, it was enough to cancel the procedure we had all willed our way to this great place called 'hope'. Sabotaged.

The next two days, before another attempt to send electrical waves through her brain, would be 'challenging' for a better word. Susan was not the patient who 'went along' with directions or took advice from professionals. She is a lost adult living in a child's world with chemicals flowing through her veins and treatments lined up like rubber ducks. She is as complex as a patient can be. Susan does not understand 'her own labels' and she has more than one to carry on her frail shoulders.



Then the day finally came for her first ECT treatment. I would go up at 7:00 am in the morning to hold her hand and take her to the mighty 'O.R.' where the team of medical personal would give her the first jolt into a very confused mind. Would it work? Well..it's only the first of a series so, my hopes were not high but the process has finally started and it has worked a number of times before. So, we take a big breath in before walking through the sealed doors of the Psych Ward where Susan is being 'prepped' for her 1st treatment.

It was odd to be on the ward so early. The patients were mostly asleep and I sat alone at their kitchen table while Nurse Cheryl attended to Susan's needs. I guess she wouldn't have to brush her teeth before a morning shock treatment? I don't know? Does appearance really matter?

She's put on a rollerdex bed and wheeled up to me. There is no sign of life in her eyes. Had she just given in to the treatment? I did my 'brother act part 48', "you'll be fine, I'm here with you, I love you, it's all going to work out, you ARE GOING TO GET BETTER, don't BE AFRAID." Easy offerings but did she hear any of it? I held her hand as they wheeled her into the cold container called 'the elevator'. And down we go..down, down, down.

She's wheeled into the O.R.. The Dr., Dr. Kyne (no, not Kind as I hoped for) was waiting for his 7:45 patient: Susan Mary Evelyn Walker. He greeted me with an official smile. I guess he could pick up on my awkward attendance. 'Should I stay or should I go?', the song kept playing in my head. I kept an eye on the male nurse who was tapping Susan's arm, looking for that 'one' vein he could stick the anesthetic in to. But, she's not one to please. Her veins are hers and they are hidden from all. Another Nurse takes over and finally, the needle is inserted and the juices are pushed into her small body. She's going into 'her deep sleep'... I see her body go limp and the male nurse press an oxygen mask over her face. The steam from her breath fogs the globe and she is 'away'.

Dr. Kyne took me under his wing and told me about the procedure. This was cool comfort as I continued to grip my sister's hand tightly...hoping she KNEW I was still there, still believing in her wellness. He told me what the male nurse was doing. Her head was strapped down with a plastic band and suckers were sealed to her forhead and chin. She looked like a poor excuse for a bad science project. Wires were everywhere and monitors. I was not quick to absorb ECT 101 from Dr. Kyne (not Kind). I just wanted this to be over with.

The countdown began the male nurse put a huge rubber mouth-guard in place so she didn't bite her tongue off. We all know what that is for. A button is hit, a red button. I thought I'd see her body convulse, her back arch, my world stop..but, it didn't happen that way. Her face became very tight and all facial muscles pulled in with force, but, only for seconds. Then, it was over. It was 'that fast'. I let out a breath. OVER..THE FIRST SESSION IS OVER. But, it wasn't. The 'graph read-out was not good'. Susan HAD BEEN GIVEN MEDICATIONS THE NIGHT BEFORE and this altered her altered state. It had not been 'very' successful. So, add another nurse and repeat. ZAP number 'two'. Better, but still not what they wanted. Not a PERFECT RESULT. The Dr., Dr Kyne (not Kind) looked at me and rolled his eyes.

I asked him what was wrong? He said, "they should not have had her on any medications prior to this procedure. It's clearly written on her charts." He lets out a frustrated sigh but gives me a smile. "Not to worry, it still 'worked', not great..but, effective enough. Mind you, I'd like to take this graph read-out and slap it on their staff fridge!"...Yeah, me too..I'd like to slap a lot of things on the fridge.

I went into a waiting room and saw two newborn twins being rolled out in plastic bubbles to be cleaned up, weighed and checked for 5 toes and 5 fingers. I smiled. Yes, I smiled for the first time in a long time. To see two screaming newborns pass my sister's O.R. room was the ultimate contrast. LIFE.

After an anxious thirty minute wait the metal door flew open and Susan was pushed out on her gurney. She was awake, to my surprise. Her arms went out in my direction as she coaxed me to come closer and hold onto her. Tears build in my eyes but I have to hold in any emotion. She has to know I'm strong, I'm there for her, it's all about HER GETTING BETTER..no time for tears or worry.

She doesn't speak and I hold her hand as we go up to the Psychiatric Ward, again. With help, the nurse and I get her to her feet and help her into bed. The curtains are shut to keep the light out. She needs to rest, she needs quiet time. She only spoke once when we were alone, "Tom, I don't think it worked." The last thing I wanted to hear.

She slept. A day later Susan was 'out of control'. She was screaming random words of hatred at the nurses and banging on doors. She howled at the clouds and screamed until another pill was pushed into her mouth. Anti-psychotics came at her every 4 hours. Family were NOT TO VISIT. Susan did not SLEEP. She was moved to the quiet room so she could 'rage on', 'strike out', 'fall apart'. No one could stop her. This went on for hours, then days. She never slept..she was PURE ADRENALIN.

Did the treatment have an adverse effect? Where her medications more like poison in her system? Was this just HER RAW MENTAL BREAKDOWN in it's very lowest form? Worst of all...how do we, how do they STOP THE MADNESS? The quiet room is locked, then it's not locked. She wanders out and churns up the entire ward to a higher decimal. She has to STAY IN THE QUIET ROOM until she is, quiet. But, this tiny sister of mine is spitting her rage at anyone who comes close. I've seen this before. Family just wants to cover their ears and go back to a time when Susan was simply, Susan, this curly-haired girl with old-fashioned glasses and a sweet disposition. OH GOD, where is she?

But, we re-assure each other as family members do. It's a glitch. It's only the first treatment...she normally responds well after about 4 or is it 5 treatments? SHE WILL BURN OUT. She cannot bang doors, rip her clothing, and cuss at strangers forever. The madness will end. We just pray harder and trust in Dr. Kyne (not Kind).

Saint Elaine

My visits to the hospital continued last week. Some days Susan is a blank canvas, other days you pick up on a ray of hope. But, one person always seems to 'get' it. The 'Energizer Bunny'. Yes, Elaine, Susan's breathing coach and BFF, has suddenly become my escape person on the ward.

Elaine is also bi-polar but she's a wonder. She is flat out 'honest' about all that happens on the 5th floor. She watches people. It's not just the nurses and Psychiatrists who get diagnosed by Elaine, but it's the family members too. She has it all figured out. Elaine runs the 5th floor and don't think otherwise.

So, while Susan is sleeping, I take my usual chair at the 'let's talk table' and listen to the wisdom I now call, 'Elaine's Corner'. She, with her classic jewelry, her modern ways and zen personality, tells me about the carts. "Those blood-sucking carts need to be changed. Listen to them. It's seven a.m. and they want 'us', the ill entitled, to sleep through this?"

I could just sit and listen to Elaine for hours. She's a one-woman show. I also love her relationship with my sister. She adores Susan. She tells me that Susan is 'special' and needs to be held and loved. She's a fragile ceramic doll fighting her demons, but she will win! Yes, Elaine steps it up when it comes to nurturing my very sick sister. She has that 'energy' you could put in a pill and pop into your loved ones mouth. It's called: 'HOPE'.

Elaine is the Jack Nicholson of the ward. She has her 'it' man, Randy, who gets her a Tim Horton's coffee every morning. She hands out the meals, sets the tone for the day and makes it her goal to bring some joy back into my sister's life. How can you not love a leader, bi-polar or not, who is willing to embrace a total stranger and promise her, 'it's all going to work out'.

We tend to shy away from anyone on a ward who is labeled or 'sick'. I judged Elaine quickly when she first spent time with Susan. I felt she was intrusive. Perhaps that's my shield going up to protect the one I love. But, after observing 'the Energizer Bunny' talk to Susan, hold her hand, give her a hug and nurture her like she was one of her own daughters...I had to 'let it go'. I had to trust this woman to 'be there' for my sister when visitors were not around. She is a lifeline.

I felt connected to Elaine. When Susan was getting bathed or having blood tests, I would sit with her and listen to her 'amazing' stories. Were they true? I didn't know and I didn't care because she was full of personality and life. She generated more positive energy than a prescribed medication. I felt comfortable with her.

Then, like many surprises in life, I found out who Elaine 'really was'. Her adult daughters came for a regular visit. They were taking 'Mom' out for the day. I was happy that Elaine had a strong support system, children who loved her. I'm sure she is an amazing mother. But, one sister looked at me with uncertainty. Did she think I was a patient? Did she feel uncomfortable letting me through the locked doors before I announced myself? I was being watched.

Elaine had left the ward. I silently wished her a good day. As always I went up to the glass-enclosed nurses station to share my plans. "I will try to take Susan out today for a walk. I will be back before dinner. Do I need to take any medications? Who is her nurse today? How is she? Do you think she'll want to come out?" While I coughed up my monologue, a woman, one of Elaine's daughters, tapped my shoulder..."Will?..are you Will Walker?"

I just stared at her as my thoughts went back not one, not two but, three decades. "KELLEY?" Yes, it was Kelley Holgate...the only woman in my adult life I had had a relationship with. She was my partner in crime teaching children at Summer Camp Schools, she was my girlfriend at University..the girl 'every guy' wanted. She was Kelley the pitcher of the woman's softball league, Kelley the guitar playing singer, Kelley the woman who championed me to happy times. Yes, this was ELAINE'S OLDEST DAUGHTER

.

She was shy. That's unlike her as she was always the center of attention. But, the way we were re-introduced into one anothers lives would be through our family members. I pointed to Susan's closed door and told Kelley that Susan is bi-polar. She points past the locked doors to tell me 'Elaine', her mother, is bi-polar. These two unlikely woman meeting on a Psychiatric Ward at the end of Winter. What were the chances?

We run into old mates, fellow relatives and co-workers in places we least expect to see them...but, on a Psyciatric Ward? I felt this wave of relief that someone I knew was experiencing the same weight of 'keeping the flames alive'. Kelley told me her mother was in for the fourth time but, I already knew this as 'Elaine' had told me many things about her life. She was a story-teller.

I hugged Kelley for a long time. I just wanted to go back to University and feel her glow. She was always upbeat and unpredictable. I now felt that 'Elaine's' presence was not just a fluke. She felt she knew me and , with a laugh, I reminded Kelley that 'her mother' always wanted us to get married. Her mother who is now my sister's keeper. It's bigger than the lottery, it's more than just 'chance'. Somehow I felt that Elaine was meant to be there for Susan and that I was meant to run into Kelley...the 'one woman' who made those few years in my life so exciting and so entertaining. We, afterall, were dubbed the 'Mickey and Minnie Mouse' of University. We had a reputation and it was one that many were envious of.

So, Kelley is off to Wales to watch her youngest twin get married. I leave my phone number and address so we can catch up. Who would have thought that so many years later, her mother who claimed to be my future mother-in-law would be bonding with my sister. Perhaps things do happen for a reason. Perhaps Elaine was always meant to be in my life. I told Kelley that her mother has been so kind to my sister. Kelley lit up, like she had always done years ago and said, "my mother is UNIQUE."

I felt like I was 20 years old again and we were on our first date. Who would have guessed it would be in the middle of a psychiatric ward with my sister on the left and her mother on the right. Curveballs.

Lifting Clouds

Some days feel endless. Some days are too long because we spend too much time lifting clouds.




How do you know you're immersed in dark clouds? Well...sometimes we don't, sometimes we just feel pulled under them like a strong current on a wild, unkown river. We're part of a circus we did not want to join. They call it 'unchartered territory'. You don't know what your next move should be, you don't feel comfortable with the choices you may have to make. That's been 'my life so far'. Numb, you are just numb.

I've had 'sunny periods'. Yes, those bright and colourful days or parts of days where life is almost euphoric. Usually it involves some close encounter with an animal or stranger who just adds some cost-free joy to a moment. The dog may press his wet nose into your hand or the stranger may say something suprisingly funny at a time when you least expect it. We call those 'gem moments'.

It's all about the energy we give off and the energy we get from others. Sometimes, especially of late, I haven't felt very energetic. I know a lot of this is based on my choices. You give too much, you worry too much, you try to absorb other people's pain so they 'feel better', but, in the long run you are just releasing more and more of those dark clouds over your head.

Finding the energy can happen in your own home, in the moment or simply by throwing your arms back while breathing deeply and saying 'enough'. We just have to embrace the people around us and if they are angry, depressed or ill, we can still be that 'calm' in the middle of their chaos. Sounds impossible, but it is possible. Choices. We all make those choices to let others drain us or build us up.

I find talking to dog is much more healing than talking to a shrink or even a good friend. The dog just listens and licks your face, gives you the sad eyes and thumps his tail. Now that's what I'm talking about. LIFT A CLOUD, GET A LICK! Or, you drive up to a waterfall and stand near it. The motion of the water is like liquid hands massaging your tired brain. Just sit on a boulder and let nature's magic soothe. "Forget your troubles c'mon get HAPPY!"

Our brains are just computers processing the past, worrying about the future or trying so hard to exist in the present. It doesn't have to be that way: choices. Everyone is abuzz over the latest technical devices, the added features to make driving a car 'more comfortable' or the i-phone that acts as a computer, movie central, camera, text monster and carry-on-phone to stay 'linked' to facebook and google, twitter and e-mails. It's also called 'overload'...TMI. I'd toss tech toys if you want to 'lift clouds'.

Imagine this: taking a good book to a solitude log by the ocean shore. Imagine 'reading it' without all of the above. Imagine the author putting the book together to please his audience...and he was likely writing by the seaside. Imagine passing seagulls drifting over your head while the wind sends them to new heights. Now, the clouds are starting to break apart...you can breathe again.

Imagine planting a flower in moist soil. Usually, after planting a dozen bulbs and flowers you can smell the earth. You watch a snail,yes A SNAIL, move slowly across a leaf. It may take all day. He may stay there until the next day. But, what does it matter ... he doesn't have to please anyone, he doesn't have to 'make a deadline', he's just in it for food, sunshine and maybe a mate!

I'm always trying to find ways to lift the clouds. It's not easy as we live with so much stimulation around us: the noise, the crowds, the deadlines, the expectations, be healthy, be strong, be smart, be yourself! Yourself, that's a muddy world. How can you be yourself when everyone wants 'you' to 'make them' feel better?

Then, someone actually tells you 'to be selfish!'. I thought reading the book, planting the seeds, sleeping in was 'being selfish'..but it's more than that. Plants need water to grow, the mind needs creative ways to forge forward, the body needs to touch life forces that are not plugged in.
There are endless ways to lift clouds in our lives but it's very simple, like an addict, to go back into that box and lead that sheltered life that other people expect of you. Best you look in a mirror and ask yourself, 'was this what I wanted, am I happy, will the SUN COME OUT TOMORROW....TOMORROW...I LOVES YA..TOMORROW YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

Lifting clouds is the 'art' of looking after yourself. Get outside of your box. Try something new. Go somewhere new. Be alone but welcome others as you take your journey 'alone'. You make the rules, you lift the clouds and the sunshine will follow. I promise.