She Is My Hero

Another early morning watching my sister getting prepared for her 7th treatment of ECT...another morning of holding hands

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Susan was crying the day before. We had a wonderful day. She walked in the sunshine with me, we talked about simple things and just listened to seagulls cry out. It was good, it was so normal. Then, when I took her back to the Psych Ward, tears quietly tumbled down her face. She held my hands and with some shame, she said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't cry. I know I have to do this. You don't have to stay."

What does a brother do? I was so proud of how brave she was being. This would be her 7th treatment and she still thinks of others. She, Susan, is always thinking of others when she's falling into her dark place. I continue to breathe in and smile because she needs to know we are ALL TAKING THIS JOURNEY WITH HER.

When I look at her I see this child I grew up with. Susan was my twin through life. We shared everything, we experienced most things together and we had adventures. I was told, by my parents, that Susan was 'retarded'. I was only 6 years old and alone in my bedroom when they came in with serious faces to enlighten a 6 year old.

At the time, I was selfish. A selfish boy who loved to terrorize his sisters and play silly games. But now, I was told to be 'bigger than this'. I was told to protect her, to make sure other children did not hurt her, to walk to school with her and to be 'gentle' with her. I was not impressed, I was confused.

Why? Why do I have to be a different brother? Why do I have to be riduculed for walking my sister to school and be brave to ward off mean children. It was like a life sentence. I felt such anger for my sister. She had unraveled our relationship in one day. I promised to follow the rules but, still, I was angry.

Now, looking into her eyes , her lost eyes, I just want her to be that girl who walked the shores of the beach and helped me put strings on beach logs and turn them into horses. We started a ranch on the beach using old logs. We named each log, each 'wooden horse' and drew faces on them. We rode them and said goodbye before heading back to our log cabin for dinner. She was someone who lived in my adventures.

I stood by the metal table as she crushed my hand to make sure I would stay with her through her 7th treatment. "Don't leave okay?"... I would never leave her. As children I did leave her, many times. I left her in the ugly world called the school-yard where children did not take pity on other children with handicaps. I did not defend her when she was blamed for the things she did not do. I was being a brother who wanted to stop having to 'be her hero at six or seven years old'. I was angry that she was 'special' and I was not.

The treatment began. She was braver with each treatment. Now, she would lie still while they stuck needles into her and wrapped headbands on her with suckers and goo. She just 'held my hand' and asked me to wait for her. She is so brave. She is my hero.

AS I wait on the hard chairs in an empty hall, I think of our time together as siblings. Susan was always so kind. She followed my lead and would do anything I asked. She just wanted to please people, to please her brother. We shared pets, so many pets. Susan would buy me rabbits, hamsters and budgies with her allowance. Sometimes I took advantage..well, often I did. I told her there was a special time called 'pre-birthday' and 'pre-Christmas' presents. Susan would come home with rabbits and goldfish from local pet stores. They were for me, "pre-birthday present!" she would say. I felt badly but, I continued to be 'that' kind of brother because it was so easy.

Now, I look down at her with an oxygen mask over her face, a needle taped to her arm and 3 medical personale hovering over her while she sucks up her mental health, while she sucks up her unfair hand that was dealt to her and finally, she sucks up whatever fate comes out of this

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Susan has taught me how to be a better person. She has fought many battles in her life. She has conquered the mean children, the labels, the medical challenges, the impatient relatives and now, she has conquered me. She has made me so humble over the years. We, all of us, can learn so much from the 'Susans' of the world. Her simplicity and kindness were trampled throughout life and now, she depends on US to lift her up, to save her from all of the things 'she never asked for in life'.

Yes, Susan is my hero. Who else?