The QUIET ROOM

We continued our quest, as a family, to visit my sister, Susan and hope the drugs, shocks and T.L.C. would come together to raise her up into a better world. Sadly, her stay on the Psych Ward took a blistering turn for the worst.

The first ECT treatment was to happen on a Wednesday. No water, no medications, no food. Empty vessel for a procedure many thought had died with the dark ages. Susan had, once again, fooled those around her by getting past the nurse's desk at 3:00 am, meet her cravings at the communal refridgerator only to drink a small carton of milk. Sadly, it was enough to cancel the procedure we had all willed our way to this great place called 'hope'. Sabotaged.

The next two days, before another attempt to send electrical waves through her brain, would be 'challenging' for a better word. Susan was not the patient who 'went along' with directions or took advice from professionals. She is a lost adult living in a child's world with chemicals flowing through her veins and treatments lined up like rubber ducks. She is as complex as a patient can be. Susan does not understand 'her own labels' and she has more than one to carry on her frail shoulders.



Then the day finally came for her first ECT treatment. I would go up at 7:00 am in the morning to hold her hand and take her to the mighty 'O.R.' where the team of medical personal would give her the first jolt into a very confused mind. Would it work? Well..it's only the first of a series so, my hopes were not high but the process has finally started and it has worked a number of times before. So, we take a big breath in before walking through the sealed doors of the Psych Ward where Susan is being 'prepped' for her 1st treatment.

It was odd to be on the ward so early. The patients were mostly asleep and I sat alone at their kitchen table while Nurse Cheryl attended to Susan's needs. I guess she wouldn't have to brush her teeth before a morning shock treatment? I don't know? Does appearance really matter?

She's put on a rollerdex bed and wheeled up to me. There is no sign of life in her eyes. Had she just given in to the treatment? I did my 'brother act part 48', "you'll be fine, I'm here with you, I love you, it's all going to work out, you ARE GOING TO GET BETTER, don't BE AFRAID." Easy offerings but did she hear any of it? I held her hand as they wheeled her into the cold container called 'the elevator'. And down we go..down, down, down.

She's wheeled into the O.R.. The Dr., Dr. Kyne (no, not Kind as I hoped for) was waiting for his 7:45 patient: Susan Mary Evelyn Walker. He greeted me with an official smile. I guess he could pick up on my awkward attendance. 'Should I stay or should I go?', the song kept playing in my head. I kept an eye on the male nurse who was tapping Susan's arm, looking for that 'one' vein he could stick the anesthetic in to. But, she's not one to please. Her veins are hers and they are hidden from all. Another Nurse takes over and finally, the needle is inserted and the juices are pushed into her small body. She's going into 'her deep sleep'... I see her body go limp and the male nurse press an oxygen mask over her face. The steam from her breath fogs the globe and she is 'away'.

Dr. Kyne took me under his wing and told me about the procedure. This was cool comfort as I continued to grip my sister's hand tightly...hoping she KNEW I was still there, still believing in her wellness. He told me what the male nurse was doing. Her head was strapped down with a plastic band and suckers were sealed to her forhead and chin. She looked like a poor excuse for a bad science project. Wires were everywhere and monitors. I was not quick to absorb ECT 101 from Dr. Kyne (not Kind). I just wanted this to be over with.

The countdown began the male nurse put a huge rubber mouth-guard in place so she didn't bite her tongue off. We all know what that is for. A button is hit, a red button. I thought I'd see her body convulse, her back arch, my world stop..but, it didn't happen that way. Her face became very tight and all facial muscles pulled in with force, but, only for seconds. Then, it was over. It was 'that fast'. I let out a breath. OVER..THE FIRST SESSION IS OVER. But, it wasn't. The 'graph read-out was not good'. Susan HAD BEEN GIVEN MEDICATIONS THE NIGHT BEFORE and this altered her altered state. It had not been 'very' successful. So, add another nurse and repeat. ZAP number 'two'. Better, but still not what they wanted. Not a PERFECT RESULT. The Dr., Dr Kyne (not Kind) looked at me and rolled his eyes.

I asked him what was wrong? He said, "they should not have had her on any medications prior to this procedure. It's clearly written on her charts." He lets out a frustrated sigh but gives me a smile. "Not to worry, it still 'worked', not great..but, effective enough. Mind you, I'd like to take this graph read-out and slap it on their staff fridge!"...Yeah, me too..I'd like to slap a lot of things on the fridge.

I went into a waiting room and saw two newborn twins being rolled out in plastic bubbles to be cleaned up, weighed and checked for 5 toes and 5 fingers. I smiled. Yes, I smiled for the first time in a long time. To see two screaming newborns pass my sister's O.R. room was the ultimate contrast. LIFE.

After an anxious thirty minute wait the metal door flew open and Susan was pushed out on her gurney. She was awake, to my surprise. Her arms went out in my direction as she coaxed me to come closer and hold onto her. Tears build in my eyes but I have to hold in any emotion. She has to know I'm strong, I'm there for her, it's all about HER GETTING BETTER..no time for tears or worry.

She doesn't speak and I hold her hand as we go up to the Psychiatric Ward, again. With help, the nurse and I get her to her feet and help her into bed. The curtains are shut to keep the light out. She needs to rest, she needs quiet time. She only spoke once when we were alone, "Tom, I don't think it worked." The last thing I wanted to hear.

She slept. A day later Susan was 'out of control'. She was screaming random words of hatred at the nurses and banging on doors. She howled at the clouds and screamed until another pill was pushed into her mouth. Anti-psychotics came at her every 4 hours. Family were NOT TO VISIT. Susan did not SLEEP. She was moved to the quiet room so she could 'rage on', 'strike out', 'fall apart'. No one could stop her. This went on for hours, then days. She never slept..she was PURE ADRENALIN.

Did the treatment have an adverse effect? Where her medications more like poison in her system? Was this just HER RAW MENTAL BREAKDOWN in it's very lowest form? Worst of all...how do we, how do they STOP THE MADNESS? The quiet room is locked, then it's not locked. She wanders out and churns up the entire ward to a higher decimal. She has to STAY IN THE QUIET ROOM until she is, quiet. But, this tiny sister of mine is spitting her rage at anyone who comes close. I've seen this before. Family just wants to cover their ears and go back to a time when Susan was simply, Susan, this curly-haired girl with old-fashioned glasses and a sweet disposition. OH GOD, where is she?

But, we re-assure each other as family members do. It's a glitch. It's only the first treatment...she normally responds well after about 4 or is it 5 treatments? SHE WILL BURN OUT. She cannot bang doors, rip her clothing, and cuss at strangers forever. The madness will end. We just pray harder and trust in Dr. Kyne (not Kind).