Morphing into a Totem Pole

I always loved 'not being me'. Yes, that's why Halloween is the best of all times for this big kid. I can morph into anything I want and hide behind a mask while taking on the strangest of neighbors and their candy collection.

Picking out a Halloween costume was usually a project my mother and Granny took on. One costume, if we REALLY WANT TO CALL IT THAT, was a totem pole. What kid wants to go out on Halloween as a totem pole. I'm not even native. Well, I'm native to Vancouver but you know what I mean! So, my artistic Grandmother spent hours painting boxes with totem pictures: frogs, the great bear, the thunderbird, bits and pieces of human parts. I really didn't understand the GREAT NATIVE story but I knew I would not be able to walk in cardboard boxes let alone reach for candies or breath normally.

This Totem Pole costume did give me first prize 'twice' in the Sport's Day costume parade so, I give it up to Granny for my first 2 blue ribbons because I never saw another blue ribbon after that.

My mother had a different idea. She was sewing me a black poodle costume. NOTE TO ALL MOTHERS: "Little boys to not want to be fluffy black poodles WITH THEIR FRIENDS on Halloween night." That costume won me a red ribbon during the costume parade but I refused to wear on ANY Halloween night!

The next big challenge was mapping out the candy route. I had my best friend by my side each year. Note, the best friend was just a side-kick who I could change every Halloween and usually did. If I was out of best friends I just grabbed my sister to go with me. She was not good at trick or treating but I could work it for both of us.

Other Note: I do not do tricks when the neighbors put on those goofy smiles and say, "NO TRICK, NO CANDY!" When that flies out of their mouths I do an 'about face' and move on. I will not waste precious time pulling scarves out of my pocket or doing a lame coin trick. I was in it for the candy.

Speaking of the candy, we didn't have those lame plastic pumpkins kids use today (if they only knew how ROBBED they are today). We used huge white pillowcases. I would fill that baby up and rush home, hide my stash, grab a fresh pillowcase and hit a different neighborhood. It was an ART FORM!

My parents did the whole 'check the candy thing and NO APPLES because they may have razor blades in them'. I had no problem with the apple thing as it was a cop-out to toss a bruised apple into a kids pillowcase. DO PEOPLE THINK WE GOT ALL DRESSED UP FOR SOMETHING WE CAN GET OFF OUR KITCHEN TABLE ANY DAY OF THE WEEK..I think not!

My annual best friend and I would con our fathers into dropping us off in a new neighbourhood after our 'first early rounds' which start IMMEDIATELY AFTER DINNER. You can't hold back sugar-starved children. Dads are easier marks. It's their 'big' contribution to Halloween. That, and taking part in eating half our hard earned candies. Fathers had their own jobs and really didn't earn the candies but we felt obliged to let them eat most of our best stuff because THEY PUT A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS and they never LET US FORGET IT!

One time this lady invited my friend and I into her home for pie. I just wanted a Tootsie Roll and the door to close but, my FRIEND HAD TO ACCEPT THE OFFER. That was our last year together. Anyway, she had us in and actually SERVED UP FRESHLY BAKED APPLE PIE WITH ICE-CREAM!! I was mortified. I checked through the pie for a razor blade and reluctantly ate it but motioned to my friend to PICK UP THE PACE!! I was polite. It was hard to be polite when I had just missed about 15 houses because my friend made a bad decision on the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

And remember all the pumpkin carving. Ugh..I hated carving pumpkins. I just didn't have that artistic zip like some kids. I wasn't big on toasted pumpkins seeds or pulling arm muscles trying to get that slimy crap out. The best part about pumpkins was smashing them when they finally started to rot. A week later there would be dead pumpkins parts all over the roads. I thought that was pretty cool!

I feel really bad for kids today. They have limited resources when it comes to Halloween. No more 'going off' on your own to scam the hood. No double outings with pillow cases. More social gatherings because all the neighbors are possibly pedophiles or gang members. Come home before dark..well, it's dark by 6:00 ...hello! And, the costumes. They're just awful. COSTUME IN A BAG. It's sad. No wonder kids just say 'forget it' and break down in tears.

I did the UNICEF thing a couple of times but , sadly, I was not an honest child and took the money for myself. I thought, 'look', if kids need the money that badly they should be out there collecting it themselves. My allowance was NOT UP TO PAR and this was one way to balance the books. I know, now, that it was wrong but at the time I really believed I was doing the right thing!

Now, I am on the other side of the door. I tell the little kids 'with their parents 3 inches away' how great their costumes are (and they really are not great) then I give them a candy bar that is NOW 1/4th THE SIZE OF THE ONES I GOT! Later, the older kids come. Some are teenagers. I open the door and say, "REALLY? YOU REALLY THINK I'M FALLING FOR THIS CRAP...MOVE ON!" It's a brave thing to do as teenagers are now gang members or they have weapons on them at all times.

I'm just really glad I was a kid back when you could leave your parents at home, walk miles away from your home, keep your candy stash in your room and stay out WAY PAST YOUR BED TIME! I still can't believe my family thought I could walk up stairs in a Totem Pole costume, seriously, what were they thinking? OH YEAH, I always dumped out my Smarties and separated the colours into piles. I thought it was a cool thing to do but now they would call that an OCD behaviour. Still, I think it's a cool thing to do and yes, I did eat the red ones last!