Monsters Under Her Bed, Monsters In Her Head

Yes, I had a wonderful day with my sister, Susan YESTERDAY but today, she wore her mask of mental illness like it was a badge of honor. She had a bad, bad day and sadly, like many family members, I got a front row seat.

When I arrived into her locked world, the nurse 'Grace' told me she wasn't taking her medication. She was "not in great shape". So, I took that deep breath I always take before entering her world, her room, her mind.

She was sitting on the bed in her pajamas. Her hair was wild, her eyes cast down to the floor and her hands were shaking so badly I thought she was about to have a seizure. I sat on the hard bed and put my arm around her. Cold comfort. You try, we all try to make it better but we can't 'be' where she is. It's like Alice lost down the rabbit hole with demons and monsters. No arm is long enough to drag her out.

Again, I put on some soothing music and spoke 'with love' about how things WILL BE BETTER (and yes, I doubt my own words..but I say them with confidence...THINGS WILL BE BETTER). She just rocks and stares at her shaking hands. I try to get her to take the pills. Small psychedelic pills pooling in my palm. She tightens her lips. The universal sign for 'I'm not taking the poison'.

So, I offer her water but she cannot hold the Dixie cup. I hold it to her lips and she takes a sip. PROGRESS. Now, just work on the pills brother Tom, brother Tom. More sips, more 'happy talk' about how the medications will make her feel better. After 30 minutes of coaxing and smiles, she opens her mouth and the pills go in. But, did she swallow them? Back to that water bottle. She has made it through the first part of her morning. Now, I wait for her to stop shaking, to unravel from her madness and speak.

I read from her book and pretended it was our 'usual visit'. I told her I had planned a day at the bird sanctuary in Ladner. We would go out for a lovely lunch and feed the ducks. It's a sunny day and we'd have a SUNNY TIME. But, we never got past the locked doors...not today.

Finally the medications took effect and she attempted to talk. Only parts of words or sentences. Confusion was the drug of her day. She tried to stand several times as I held her. She hadn't bathed in a long time. I could smell the illness rising from her body. I herded her into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She was not able to squeeze the paste onto the brush so I did this and helped her brush. She spat on the floor missing the sink by a foot. She looked in the mirror...her eyes were sunken and her stare was frightening, "I'm a terrible person, I'm a terrible person."

As we walked back to the bed I brushed her hair and did my usual rants about her being 'a BEAUTIFUL PERSON', but, each time she would come back with more self-hatred. "I'm horrible to everyone. I've lost my home. I have nothing. I have nothing. I should just disappear." And, that is what is happening. My sister is 'disappearing' day to day..she's leaving us in slow motion and ALL THE KINGS HORSES AND ALL THE MEDICAL MEN..COULDN'T PUT SUSAN TOGETHER AGAIN.... I think of terrible rhymes like that...I imagine a world without her and it's just unacceptable.

Another patient comes by and walks into the room. She is also Bi-Polar but, she's on the 'Manic' portion of her illness, today. She hugs Susan and tells her to take deeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths. "Don't you worry Susan, Elaine is here to save you. I will save you Susan! I know what it's like! We're like sisters! The intrusion was too much and I had to get Nurse Grace to take this ill woman back to her side of the ward. I have enough madness in a box without another person 'cutting in'.

Susan finally got dressed with a lot of help. She didn't colour today or put her glasses on but she went to the nurses station 'one time'. She told Grace, with her dead eyes and wild hair, that she was sorry she was mean to her. "I love all the nurses. I love you and all the other nurses. I won't bother you anymore." Grace was given the 'right name'...she held Susan's hands and said, "We love you too Susan and you'll be fine! Why don't you go out with your brother and enjoy the day. We'll watch your things and keep your door shut. Just enjoy the day." But, Susan was already walking away.

Back in her room she stared at herself in the mirror repeating 'dark untruths' about herself. It was like watching a beautiful animal in a leg trap chewing away at themselves. I had to go. I had to breath fresh air, to eat a meal, to drink a beer..to just GET OUT. Madness is contagious you know. I needed space. I told Grace I'd be back but I had to go..it had been 4 hours...oh, how insanity chews up time.

After time around happy people talking about happy times, I went back to the ward. Susan was deep into her madness now. Sobbing and tearing her clothes off. My presence was no better than the hook on the back of the door. I was simply an observer. She began to hyperventilate as she screamed and tore her clothing off. I had seen this before...years ago. It's like watching someone you love dissolve in front of you and you cannot STOP THE MADNESS.

The nurses rushed in and I walked away. We have to walk away when we're ghosts in her world. We cannot save her, we cannot help her, we cannot stop the process. I walked away and tears just blindly fall from my face. I feel no guilt. I just feel sad inside. But, tomorrow is out there and I hold onto the 'tomorrows'. Faith, hope, love, support, touch, prayers...they all pool together as I drive home.