LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP

Telephones. Ben Franklin, Cells, Pay-phones..my ding-aling, your ding-aling..things have REALLY CHANGED!

I'm not a cell phone fan. Many reasons for this! My fingers are chunky and manly. I press one number and 3 pop up on the screen. I need a H2 Pencil tip to get a number to present itself. Furthermore... I've been embarrassed by my choice of 'phone ring'. Yes, I bought 'Stewie's infamous MOM, MOMMY, MOMMY, MAMA, MAMA,MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MUMMY ...etc...' and this went off in the bank which drew the attention of the entire line-up and the security guard.

I only bought the cell phone because we are so , SO pressured to have them at our jobs. I rarely use it and never know if it's on. I don't know how to text, don't get 90 per cent of the added features and often want to hurl it over a bridge into the rapids.

Another obvious reason I hate cell phones is 'drivers'. We have a law now that says you cannot drive and talk to your mistress on the cell phone. But, at 8 am, on a SUNDAY MORNING...some whack-job went through a red light at 50 mph and ripped the left side off my car. I just sat 'stunned' in my car. Lucky for me, I had two witnesses, both Jesus-loving boys, going to Church who cussed out the devil-cell-man about breaking the sacred laws of our Country! So, big points to Choir Boys!

I miss the old phones. Those massive things you have to hold in two hands and dial with one finger in a big hole. You get the lovely 'click, click, click' and a normal ring-a-ding-ding. If no-one is home..hey, that's life. No absurd answering machines: "HI Y'ALL, PIPPI, JIMBO the kids, OUR DOG MAXIE and the MAID ARE ALL OUT..BUT, DON'T BE DOWN..WAIT FOR MOZART MUSIC AND LEAVE A MESSAGE!!!" All is said with great gusto and 'forever your BFF love'. Or, you get the really rude ones, "NOT IN..YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO." I just hang up, but you know they have 'that call display' and you'll be haunted for a week.

Forget even trying to phone from the street anymore (unless you have the latest Cell, Blueberry or whatever came out today). Most of those 25 cent wonders are archaic. The few left are just waiting to be removed. They are simply covered in stickers and graffiti, no more 'yellow pages' and you can bet the receiver has been torn off.I think that's sad. What about the seniors in wheelchairs? They live for those phones..which they altered to 3 feet from the ground. You know Granny Smith is not going to be 'hip on the Cell', so what does she do? It's actually bias. If you're not Chinese or 16, or a CEO , you're out of luck! Sorry, you suck and you'll have to pray some fast food chain lets YOU use THEIR phone. And, that's not an easy feat.

Remember Marsha Brady on her pink bed with her legs crossed in the air talking to her boyfriend, well, her latest boyfriend. Then Mrs. Brady would yell, "MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA..you know the TELEPHONE RULES!! YOU LET YOUR LISPY SISTER CINDY CALL GIRL GUIDES...she's GOT TO MAKE 8 DOLLARS AND 35 CENTS TO GET TO CAMP!" We all know Marsha is pumping that middle finger at the floor, and Cindi will lisp her way to camp because 'it's a family show'. My point is, we had PHONE RULES at home. We had to respect 'time' on the phone and didn't allow calls at dinner time or during Sunday prayer (which I didn't do, but if I did..it would be a rule). Now, people have these tight little electronic things stuck to their ears and they talk out loud on the sidewalk like schizophrenics. People in line at Starbucks ROAR on their cell phones like their lives are more important than ANY OF OURS and don't forget.."I'M SUCCESSFUL AND ORDER DOUBLE LOW-FAT NO FOAM, EXTRA SHOT LATTES!"

Like books under a tree on a Summer day, I just want to be able to curl up my tootsies and have an earthy call with a grounded friend. Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK?

My dream: get rid of all the wires, cell phone, ear-plugs, extension lines, call displays and even the Mickey Mouse phone and bring back 'THE CARRIER PIGEON!!', if it worked in Medieval Times...why not now. And, you get a pet too!