Pride

Pride is, depending on the interactional and cultural context, either a high sense of one's personal status (i.e., leading to judgements of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection. Philosophers and social psychologists have noted that pride is a complex secondary emotion which requires the development of a sense of self and the mastery of relevant conceptual distinctions (e.g., that pride is distinct from happiness and joy) through language-based interaction with others[1]. Some social psychologists identify it as linked to a signal of high social status.[2] One definition of pride in the first sense comes from St. Augustine: "the love of one's own excellence".

Okay, so PRIDE is good thing, isn't it? Well, the Pride Parade and festivities have hit my city this week. Floats are decorated, parties are thrown, articles in the paper of successful stories of 'raising children in same-sex marriage/relationships' and people of stature discussed, HEROES, FRIENDS, FAMILY WHO MATTER...PRIDE! But, it comes, for most of us, at a very big price. Not so much for the Gay youth of today, but it does for those who dared to come out 'long ago'. It was frightening to be Gay. You are in fear of your own family. You feel judged as a 'lower human being' and question if your point of view is 'valid' or even 'heard'. I've been there through most of my life and it's not about pity parties. IT'S JUST REALITY... fear and judgement are always black clouds over many of our heads..and, yes, it starts VERY EARLY IN LIFE and pops up 'when you think you are loved, safe and respected'. You must be thick-skinned but, when you are a caring person who seeks approval as most of us do...it can be life-altering and, I have witnessed this, it can be 'the end of life'.

When I was young, a teenager, I knew 'I was different' from the other kids. It's a lonely place even when you 'put on your happy face and play those reindeer games at school'..it's really lonely. Then, you 'may' go to University and it becomes a bigger obstacle. You are expected to be 'in love' with a high-school sweetheart or likely meet your soul mate through common interests at Grad Schools...but, you usually feel 'alone'

. How much abuse we put on our own backs is at par with top athletes feeling they have failed at sports they have worked at for years. We work at being 'accepted' at being 'loved without judgement' at 'leading a NORMAL LIFE'.

But, what is normal? Gay men and women are abused in society 'a lot'. Many of these physically or mentally abusive times are not reported. Some of us feel it is almost 'part of the process' of making it to ???? a better place? Some hide forever in their denial and undercover world 'faking' joy and success. Success as 'someone else 'or' as others perceive success to be'

. I've been to the Gay Clubs, the Gay Parties, the Coming Out Groups, the 'Family Face-offs', the struggle to have a wife, two children and that golden retriever. The dog part can work out! Again, it's not about beating yourself up, it's about 'other people' unable to ever really accept you 100 per cent. They may handle it well 'at functions' just as long as you remain 'single' and don't hold hands or talk about your personal life - but, remember, we get to listen to yours, we always listen to yours and do it with genuine enthusiasm. Sounds bitter, but I'm not a bitter person. I've come through five decades during VERY COMPLEX TIMES with the Church pounding down on my lifestyle, with some family discomfort and misunderstandings, so-called friends 'disappear', news of thugs who think we are better off dead and that aids is a 'punishment' for who we are. And, there is the 'stereotype' nightmare of seeing our newspapers/movies portray 'me' as a jokester who is promiscuous and willing to flaunt my dark humor to get a laugh or some simple recognition. It's not who 'we' are. It's a few people..it's not MY PRIDE.

Then we have movies and television. Many gay characters are yappy idiots who trail successful women or plan your party. Then came Will and Grace. Yes, Will was okay..successful lawyer but let's face it, Grace was a fag hag..and that is again, not how I label the successful female friends in MY LIFE.

And what about Brokeback Mountain. Boring or not, it was one of the most honest portrayals of angst I've ever witnessed on a big screen. Yes, I related to Heath Ledger and his battle to 'not be himself'..in the end, both men really were destroyed by their secrets and lies.

Would I want to go to the deep South..NO, would I vote for Sarah Palin, NO, would I wear a dress...NEVER! Did I want children, YES, did I want a soul-mate- naturally, did I want to hold hands and kiss my significant other by the beach..DUH. But, people judge..they're always judging and squirming so, you abide by the NORM. You protect the general Public from their own insecurities and fears. Sad, but true.

So, having said all of this, am I proud? YOU BET. Do I love? Of course. Am I happy? I think I am. Do I respect those who are 'uncomfortable with me'? I really hope I do. 'Do I judge?' Hopefully not after my 50 years of judgement. I, like you, like most of us..just want to get by, to be happy, to be proud of my accomplishments, to share my life with another person and yes...I still want that Golden Retriever! WE KNOW , WE KNOW.... LAWYERS, DOCTORS, TEACHERS, GARBAGE MEN, CARPENTERS, POLICE OFFICERS, MILITARY MEN/WOMAN, YOUR CHILD, YOUR SISTER/BROTHER, YOUR PARENT, YOUR FRIEND are part of my World..so, embrace us.