Warning: COOL KID ON BIKE!

Ah, remember your first bike? Well, good for you..I don't remember mine. I remember my first 'tricycle' and it was a traumatic experience. IT WAS! I fell into one of those massive Richmond Ditches (prior to them being filled up and covered) I bet there are 1,000's of small children in those ditches. Anyway, I was face down in that ditch trying to sob but mud was in my mouth, nose and ears. I was the human plug. When my patriotic brothers, all of 5 years old, dragged me out I was sobbing and kicking the crap out of that tricycle. Obviously I got over it and did not need medicating.

So, I moved on to, word has it, trainer wheels. I had a bell too. I had to use it a lot. Apparently my mother had to come out and tell me to get my finger off that 'bleeping' bell or she'd leave me with nine fingers. I thought the bell was the coolest part of the bike. I did not have high goals back then.

But, the real 'joy' of my life was my first banana seat bike. My movie-camera OBSESSED father made me ride that big red mustang bike around in circles about 10 x's..."DO IT AGAIN, NOW DO IT AGAIN..GO FASTER, SMILE!" Finally I got so bloody dizzy I fell into Mom's sad flower garden and snapped the heads off of about 10 begonias... again, I was yelled at and threatened. I rode that mustang banana-seat bicycle EVERYWHERE. I thought I was a superior pre-teen. I had it all, the bike, the banana seat, the pre-teen pimples and the cow-lick! I was BIKE BOY. There was a huge field behind our place and I took to going over big bumps at full throttle. Then, I hit a huge pothole and went down. I had blood coming out of my face and once again, dirt in my mouth. WHO WAS I KIDDING?

Then the 10 speed became the 'rage'. Of course, I had to have one (maybe two?). I got this silver bike with a major brand name. I didn't put cards in the spokes to make the bike 'click' during rotations..I was OLDER and WISER now! I took to longer trips away from home and even put some decals on the bike.... like skeletons and monster faces. Cool at the time you know! So, off I went to the top of the hill where our Vancouver Mayor lived. Yes, I lived on a very important street! Then I let it rip. I rode down that huge hill at full speed. But, as I got half-way down I thought... what if a cat runs across the road? What if a child runs across the street!? WHAT IF A CAR TURNS THE CORNER!!!??? I suddenly had massive anxiety attacks and decided to crash the bike into the curb and fly onto the lawn. I was so proud of myself at that moment. I probably saved a life.

Then I got my first car and did the whole 'gotta have a bike rack' thing. Going to the island? Got to take the bike! IT'S COOL TO TAKE YOUR BIKE. So, a group of us 'cool kids with bikes' went to Cultus Lake. We swam, we hiked, we drank beer, we sucked on a Lucky 7 and we went on hair-raising bike rides. The roads were all unpaved back then and I went off the embankment into a stump. Boy was THAT COOL OR WHAT? My frame was bent and so was my pride. Bikes suck.

But, then the Mountain Bike became all the rage. I bought my own, yes I did! Got a good price too. Zellers had a big sale. So, I gave the bike a name (corny but KIND OF COOL) I called him 'Bladerunner', after the amazing movie. I kept rolling my palm over the tire because I was so impressed with the powerful tires. I knew this bike could handle anything. So, a group of us took our bikes up to the 'very Olympian' bike trails. We had to maneuver around jutting rocks, huge tree limbs, bear droppings and at times,'one another'. I learned one important lesson, "DON'T LOOK BACK AND TELL YOU BUDDIES HOW COOL IT IS!" because I flew into the bushes and got my final load of 'dirt in the mouth'. I don't ride bikes much anymore. I tell myself it's because of the horrific car traffic in the city or the discomfort of wearing those ugly helmets. Truth be told, I'm sick of having dirt in my mouth!